You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize