remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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