From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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