I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
