I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
