I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
