Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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