I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My balls are so social today.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
