Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
