I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
