Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
