i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
