At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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