ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
