Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize