I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
