you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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