I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
