my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
