Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
