I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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