Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
