I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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