Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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