I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
