Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
