so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
