I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
