so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
