whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
