I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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