I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
