I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
