we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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