...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
