Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
