No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize