I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
