I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize