dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
