I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I got inside last night via doggy door
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
