1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
