I think I won the penis lottery.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
