mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
