3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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