so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
