Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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