the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
