i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
