I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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