I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
