No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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