you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm passing your future prison.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
