ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
