I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
