You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
