my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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